I’m shamelessly copying and pasting this from a friend’s Facebook status. As you might expect, it generated some controversy there, and I’m curious to hear what you think.
“There’s a couple of women in my area at work who are newly pregnant. They walk around smugly, waiting for everyone to congratulate them on their big accomplishment. I refuse to acknowledge them. Any (female) fool can get pregnant, and most do; that’s not praiseworthy. Raising a child who is capable of critical and independent thought and who adds something to society in general is the hard part. Come to me in 20 years and show me that you’ve created a person worth being on the planet, and I will offer you sincere and heartfelt congratulations. Until then, seek false validation elsewhere.”
That may be all true in a literal sense, I suppose, but it’s also bitter and pedantic.
The simple fact is that those women are just happy and want others to share in their joy. And, good grief, there’s so much shit in the world, so what on earth is wrong with wanting to share some happiness?
Also, it would probably be better for everyone if people chose to have fewer children. Sorting out the world’s problems will be hard enough without having to deal with an ever-expanding population.
Arguably, people in rich countries should be most encouraged to reduce their fertility, given how much damage the lifestyle of people in rich countries does to the planet and to other people around the world.
I’m expecting and am trying to avoid attention/notice from my colleagues. I feel like being pregnant is unrelated to work and is only relevant to discuss with people that I consider friends or who may be affected by my maternity leave.
Having said that, I don’t take a congratulations to mean “congratulations on your accomplishment.” I see it as more of a “congratulations on this new, exciting aspect of your life.”
I wonder if the person who wrote the status update would feel the same way about a women who has been trying to conceive for years. Would she be more worthy of a congratulations?
I totally agree with the first comment from livefrom161.
Congratulations Psychgrad! I’m very happy for you.
Having raised three human beings to adulthood, I understand basically what the person is saying. But, and this is a big BUT, our time here on earth is so short, why spend it cutting down others? And no, not every woman can get pregnant. Lots want to and can’t for some reason or another. If someone is pregnant and happy, so what? It doesn’t hurt me and if a little of their happy glow rubs off, then so much the better.
and yes, I’ve often been mistaken for Pollyanna. I don’t care. I work in community mental health and see ugliness every day so when I find a bit of happy/joy, I grab onto it.
I find the fact that she describes them as “walking around smugly” odd. Most newly pregnant people that I have known, aren’t smug, but totally excited. This FB poster sounds very bitter and I am glad that I don’t work with her. I totally agree with livefrom161 too.
I actually remember how I felt when I was pregnant – mostly joyful, sometimes special, and towards the end unbearably fat. But never smug.
The other thing I find troubling about that post is the whole idea about being self-congratulatory as a parent when you hit that magical day when you realize that you (yes, you and only YOU!) raised a successful human being that is contributing to society in positive, enriching ways. Because it’s all about THE PARENTS (sarcasm intended)- not about genetics, about less than optimal environment, not about the world we live in, not about sheer dumb luck. Your kid’s success is all about YOU. Right.
Good point. As a parent in some capacity to 5 kids, Iknow they are all wired differently. The awesome parenting they get helps, just like as adults we do better when we feel understood and supported, but they are full on people, separate from all of us.
This is a good point too. There’s a great deal of individual effort that goes into raising a child – but that doesn’t even come close to the total investment. How we collectively support families (through social programs, recreational programs, education, affordable housing, etc.) also has a huge impact on the results.
Wow. Judge much?
Psychgrad already said what I thought:
“I don’t take a congratulations to mean “congratulations on your accomplishment.†I see it as more of a “congratulations on this new, exciting aspect of your life.†“
While I might agree with the sentiment that actively demonstrating that you’re good parent is more praiseworthy than merely getting knocked-up, I think this is an extremely poor way to express it. I’d be curious to know whether this person has actually bothered to ever spontaneously compliment someone on having nice, well-behaved children. People are often very ready to judge and make snide comments but so rarely offer praise and encouragement to people who really are trying to raise “child who is capable of critical and independent thought and who adds something to society in general”. Of course, I also plan to raise a child who has the class and good manners to join their co-workers in sharing the joy and excitement that comes with a pregnancy.
I’m almost entirely agreeing with livefrom161. And I *love* this from Sid ‘I also plan to raise a child who has the class and good manners to join their co-workers in sharing the joy and excitement that comes with a pregnancy.’
I view the congratulations as congratulating the potential. I mean ‘anyone’ can get a job, or graduate or any number of things that cause us, as fellow humans, to express joy.
Now, on to the ‘any (female) fool’ statement. Getting and staying pregnant is actually not that easy. Some studies indicate that up to 75% of fertilized eggs are lost, they either do not implant or miscarry. After a pregnancy test and before 12 weeks, up to 1 in 5 pregnancies miscarry (often called chemical pregnancies as no heartbeat had been detected via US). And let’s not forget infertility. Infertility affects 1 in 6 Canadian couples.
Oh, and in my case, the congratulations came after 10 years of trying (7 with IVF), and 3 miscarriages. Yes, I was ready to shout it from the ceiling. And I was equally as ready to dance for any friends and family that were lucky enough to have one ‘stick’.
I would have celebrated right along with you, Neeroc. Congratulations!
It’s a commitment, like marriage, but more so. And nowadays, it’s a decision.
No one should expect congrats – but all should give them.
I believe the technical term is ‘prick’ but bitter and pedantic captures it.
You could say the same of a marriage or mourning family members at a funeral: “Hey, come back in 20 years and tell me you’ve really cherished that loved ones memory.” it’s some one trying to intellectualize lack of decency and failure to share in a fellow human’s happiness.
I believe the technical term is ‘prick’ but bitter and pedantic captures it too.
I hope they regret revealing so much about themselves on FB.
that’s an interesting comparison. yes, it’s intellectualizing instead of engaging.
Hmmm… I’m definitely on the side of celebrating positive happenings, but I’m thinking about something a queer friend used to say to me about how a lot of the things we celebrate publicly tend to focus around typical hetero couplehood – engagements, weddings, babies, etc. While the definitions of these events have evolved since she made the comment, I am sensitive to gender/ class stereotypes. Example: how often does the workplace have a baby shower for an expectant mother but not for an expectant father?
Good point!
They aren’t wrong about trying to raise a decent human being – but they are being mean. Also, everyone is worth it as a human being. Everyone. We don’t get to pick and choose – we don’t have to like everyone, but they are not worthless.
I wish this person peace and understading. I wish the new moms healthy babies.
I agree absolutely with you Kathy. Who are we to judge anybody else’s worthiness of a spot on this planet?
My gut reaction was to be offended. But after thinking about it I wonder is there more to the story?
How does one walk around smugly? What is the relationship between these coworkers usually like?
Does the person who wrote the comment want kids and can’t have them? Are they a person who has decided not to have children and as a result sometimes feel ‘less than’ among their relatives/friends?
It’s still one of those thoughts that you’re supposed to filter though, and not post on facebook.
Oh, and I love what Sid said. If Sid is a man and he wants to get me pregnant, I’m available.
Ya, I think all the ladies here will be in love with Sid.
I can safely say that the person whose facebook status this was has no interest in procreating. She dislikes children.
As for Sid – sorry straight ladies, but I believe Sid’s a woman.
I was going to ask if she often used terms like ‘breeder’. It certainly sounds like the things you’d hear on those more strident childfree boards. *g*
yes, probably nailed it.
kinda reminds me of people who brag of achieving sex. having sex isn’t hard. not having sex constantly with anyone is the hard thing. but then. depends on the person.
Garfunkel and Oates have a song that seems quite fitting right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8
WOW
My first thought is that are bitter for some reason and do not feel in connection with their community st all. Do they hate their job? Or are they this disconnected from family and friends too? We celebrate the path, the family, the potential, the rite of passage that is parenthood when we offer congratulations to a new mom or dad, when we get to share in their excitement. Seeing it as smugness on the part of the mother is strange too.
I feel sad for them. I can’t imagine meeting another being and my first thought being “prove your worth”. What a defensive way to live.
I find the original quote appallingly judgmental and mean-spirited.
However, I will give her credit for saying what she means, not mincing words, and not caring if her opinions make her look judgmental or mean-spirited. She’s not out to win any popularity contests with opinions like that!
even though ‘anybody can get pregnant’, it’s a leap of faith in oneself, one’s partner, and the future. so why not celebrate people’s feelings of hope, and their willingness to undertake a really important job?
[and it *is* a personal contribution for a woman in Canada, where our birthrate isn’t replacing our labour force, but we don’t properly support women who have children]
maybe the original poster has something that she feels equally passionate about that she can contribute to the world, rather than wasting time cutting other people down for their contributions.
Sheesh. The comment is bitter and unkind. I wonder what kind of person would put something like that in their FB status of all things?
The way I see it, life is a miracle and it is worth congratulating the couple!
This is too rude and ignorant to spend time on. Someone is miserable, judgemental and negative and hopefully they don’t have children….