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How I got rid of my four wasp nests

I wanted to post a video clip of my wasp extermination, but in the end there was nothing to see. Instead, there was a series of miscommunications and embarrassments.

Here’s how it unfolded:

1. Two weeks ago my neighbour, Brian, pointed out the wasps. They were nesting right next to his parking space, in a wooden box on my property.

2. I blogged about it. I sought advice and conducted research.

3. I bought a product – adhesive spray – but did not use it.

4. I procrastinated some more.

5. I emailed my friend D, a former exterminator, who said this wasn’t a DIY project. “Once the first one stings you,” he said, “a pheromone is released that signals all the other wasps to attack you. Each wasp can sting repeatedly. You will not be able to get out of there fast enough.” He referred me to a company which we will discreetly refer to as ABC.

6. I procrastinated another day or two, played telephone tag with ABC for a couple of days, and finally booked an appointment for Wednesday morning.

7. The ABC technician – we’ll call her Hilda – phoned Wednesday morning. “Did you know,” she said, “that the wasps will disappear on their own? First frost, they’re gone. You didn’t hear it from me but if you want to save $150, call the ABC office and cancel your appointment.”

8. I called ABC. I said “Someone called me this morning and told me the wasps will go away on their own in a couple of weeks.” The woman said she would check into it and call me right back.

9. GC arrived unexpectedly with breakfast and coffee. He was disappointed to hear there might not be a show. We wondered if the show alone would be worth $150. We both secretly hoped there would still be a show.

10. ABC didn’t call back so I called them. “Hilda will be over shortly and she shouldn’t have told you what she told you,” she said, “Besides, first frost might not be for six weeks yet.” I asked her why she thought Hilda told me that. (Because, you’ll remember, all I said was that somebody told me. It could have been a friend or anybody.) She said “Because nobody here called you, and you said she, so I knew it had to be Hilda.” Clearly she just assumed that ‘somebody’ meant ‘somebody from ABC.’ Faulty logic had, unfortunately, led her to the correct conclusion.

11. I started to worry Hilda was gonna be pissed at me for ratting her out to her employer.

12. Hilda arrived and parked right next to the wasp box. She was in her truck writing something in her book. I went outside. I looked over at the wasp box. THERE WERE DEAD WASP NESTS LYING ON THE GROUND NEAR IT!

13. I inspected the four wasp nests: they’d all been destroyed. I immediately suspected my neighbour, Brian, got fed up with waiting for me to do something and took matters into his own hands. This could only mean that Brian was pissed at me too!

14. Hilda got out of her truck. She was a sturdy exterminator with a tough exterior and she looked pissed off in a cool professional kind of way. She fixed me with a withering gaze. I turned to jelly and fell all over myself trying to apologize. “I didn’t tell them you told me,” I cried, and then I babbled for several minutes, trying to explain. She looked at me like she thought I was a bit daft, and then she softened slightly.

“Okay,” she said, “Where are the wasps?” This is when I went into Part II of my apology, showing her the dead wasp nests and apologizing for not having any wasps for her to exterminate. I sensed she was feeling a bit sorry for me because I’m obviously such a loser I couldn’t even keep my wasps alive until the exterminator arrived.

15. Hilda called ABC. “I’m with Zoom now,” she said, “but her neighbour already took care of the situation.” She got off the phone and told me the charge would be $75. A wasp flew by. Hilda plucked it out of the air with her bare hand and squished it dead.

16. I felt wilted and withered and embarrassed by all the mix-ups, but as a conscientious consumer I couldn’t pay $75 for the killing of a single wasp. Hilda told me she wasn’t allowed to leave without payment. I called ABC and stated my case. To make a long story short, my case escalated to the office manager who then conferred with Hilda, and, in the end, he left it up to Hilda whether to charge me or not.

17. Hilda very kindly wrote ‘No Charge’ on the work order. And then she sprayed the inside of the wooden box to prevent the wasps from moving back in.

18. I tried to slip her $20 for her trouble, but she refused to take it. “Buy yourself a drink on me,” she said. “No, you buy yourself a drink on ME,” I said, pushing the bill at her. She waved the money away, got in her truck and drove off. I wondered if she refused the money because she thought I was just dumb enough to call the office and get her in trouble over that too.

And that’s the story of how I got rid of my four wasp nests. I guess I’ll buy Brian a bottle of wine with the $20.

14 comments to How I got rid of my four wasp nests

  • Well that doesn’t quite sound like NOTHING to see… squishing a wasp with a bare hand? That’s tough. Worth 20 bucks fer sher.

  • By which I mean too bad she didn’t take it. Enjoy the wine.

  • …a video clip of that exchange in the alleyway would totally have been worth $150. The whole thing sounds like a way more interesting version of “But… I don’t have enough money to pay for the pizzas, and I do looove pizza [cue 70’s bass music]”.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-V9P03APl4

  • Well at least the wasps are gone!

  • haha that’s hilarious zoom. a tale well told!

  • deb

    now i know why you didn’t update your facebook profile with this

  • XUP

    I want Hilda for my very best friend – she bucks the system, she is full of the milk of human kindness, she drinks AND she kills wasps with her bare hands. I’m thinking that bottle of wine you’re giving Brian better be a premium vintage — I imagine he’s the one who dealt with your weeds, too??

  • Around here, most tradespeople charge a service fee just to show up at your door. This usually ranges from $60 on up; anything else they do is extra. Put yourself in their shoes: they have invested big bucks in equipment, tools, vehicles, training, people, and the only way they get that money back is to charge for their time and expertise. Hilda tried to do you a favor, and (in her eyes) you ratted her out AND screwed her out of her money. I’m sure she is spreading her own version of this story – and maybe even blogging about it! Hope you never need an exterminator in the future….

  • woodsy.nymph

    XUP, I think we will have to fight over Hilda, ’cause I have a crush on her…

    Zoom,

    RE: “I sensed she was feeling a bit sorry for me because I’m obviously such a loser…”

    I must defend you on that one – I suspect Hilda was feeling charmed by your presence and thinking, “Damned she’s cute and funny!”

  • GC

    My sentiments exactly Woodsy!

  • Sin, I wish I’d captured the wasp-plucking on camera – it was pretty impressive. Hilda said wasps can sense fear and she’s not afraid of them.

    Gabriel, yeah, that would have been good too. But I can’t wring my hands, apologize, and work the camera all at the same time. 😉

    Valerie – yes! All’s well that ends well.

    Nursemyra – thank you!

    Deb – I knew you’d understand. It’s too long even for a blog post, let alone a facebook status update.

    XUP – Yes, you would have liked Hilda. I think she’s a softy with a tough exterior. And I don’t think she’s scared of anything.

    Abby, I get cranky when I’m covered in a poison ivy rash too. I hope you feel better soon!

    Woodsy – aww, thanks. You’re sweet. I was just thinking there is something a little bit pathetic about someone who can’t even keep their pests alive until the exterminator arrives.

    GC – you’re sweet too. 😉

  • GC

    Abby, in defence of zoom I just want to point out:
    1. Hilda was running late and that is why she initially suggested cancelling the call.
    2. The office didn’t call back “right away” and it was only after 1/2 hour (the time when Hilda was supposed to show up) that zoom called back.
    3. It seemed that the whole thing was handled unprofessionally at their end from the start.

    I got the sense that after zoom smoothed out the misunderstandings with the office and with Hilda, she (Hilda) was OK with the outcome. If she were a blogger she’d probably laugh about the funny morning she had had and it would have been mainly about how she squished the wasp with her bare hands and how impressed her client was.

  • It’s not the poison ivy – I’m crabby all the time!

  • Really? I never even noticed!