Whining Advisory: The following paragraphs contain whining. Lots of it.
Lately I’ve been feeling a little down. It’s like I haven’t got enough energy to feel good. You know how sometimes you take the stairs two at a time without even noticing, and other times you’re acutely aware of your own gravity as you trudge up each step? Well, I’m trudging.
I want my old body back. The one I had a year ago. The one that walked everywhere and felt good and didn’t hurt. Physically I feel like I’ve aged about ten years in 2009. I can’t even touch my toes anymore. I can barely bend. Blech.
I had let myself believe 2009 was going to be a self-contained bad-health year. The year of breast cancer and back surgery. It wasn’t supposed to spill over into 2010. But now it looks like some of my health problems might be chronic. As in forever. I’m trying to wrap my head around that. I’m pretty good in a crisis. But chronic pain? It’s a different emotional ballgame and I’m struggling with it.
Also, there’s some stuff going on that I can’t really blog about because it’s not just about me, it’s about other people too. But it’s kind of ugly, and thinking about it hasn’t been much fun.
The worst part is I feel like I’ve lost my sense of humour, which is the number one tool in my Personal Coping Toolkit.
And winter. Blech. I don’t like it. It’s cold and nasty and expensive and it makes my body contort in self-defense.
I’m not sleeping well either. Some of it is due to side effects of medications Some of it is due to Duncan. You know how Duncan has always been so wonderful to sleep with, like a big cuddly teddy bear? Lately not so much. He’s been too needy, and too kneady too. He wants to fall asleep with his paws rhythmically kneading my face. I don’t like it. It hurts. But the more I don’t like it, the needier he gets. And Duncan’s a very persistent cat.
I’m a little worried about money too. For the past 19 years I’ve gotten used to always having some money in the bank. I got a severance package when I was laid off, but for nine months now there’s only been money going out of my bank account, none going in, and it’s getting a little thin now. I feel like a cat who can see the bottom of his food dish. I can see the bottom of my bank account, and I don’t like it.
I know this doesn’t make any sense, but I dealt with it by buying three skeins of yarn and two books. Gorgeous yarn. Coveted books.
Sigh.
Okay, that’s it for my whining. Your turn!
There is nothing wrong with a little yarn-y purchases to take the edge off! I am so sorry that your problems are going to follow you into the new year.
My whining: On the first Monday of the new year, I start 50/50 custody of my son, and have to hand him over to his dad for a whole week, using that time to move all my things out of our house. Divorce sucks.
My coping mechanisms: Spinning, knitting, watching Family Guy and Club Paradise. If you haven’t seen that movie you should. It can make you laugh nonstop for 2 hours, so you at least get that time to relax.
I don’t know if your situation is different because of the surgery, but my doctor recommended pilates or yoga for my back problems. While my problem is chronic and won’t go away, he said strengthening my core will make the bad days a little less bad and the overall pain won’t be as severe. And, in addition the yoga will help destress… now have I done any of that? Of course not (far too busy) but I want to!
And this might brighten your day… if my mom hasn’t sent you a message already, you were one of the winners in Boss Cat’s Birthday Blowout… so there is an extra yarn package on it’s way!
Krista, I’m sorry. That sucks. But you might be pleasantly surprised down the road. I know so many people who, in retrospect, were happy for their divorces, even if they didn’t want them at the time. Thanks for the movie recommendation – I’ll rent Club Paradise!
Valerie, I asked my doc about yoga, and he said easy, gentle yoga would be okay. Yoga for the Elderly and Infirm. And yes, your mom did email me, and the news about winning DID shine a little light in the gloom. I’m looking forward to receiving the package.
[Hope this’ll make you laugh…]
Our man Java has come down with IBS on top of little-kitty-Alzheimer’s.
At 4 a.m., he had an attack of diarrhea. On the bed. That we were sleeping in!
sorry Duncan’s being a pain – he means well.
You’ve had a bad year, don’t beat yourself up about finding it difficult.
Have you considered something like water aerobics? That might be something you can do without pain that would also allow you to get moving again.
I think it’s perfectly normal for you to be feeling blue after everything you’ve been through. All your energy has gone toward your physical self for so long and this is, for lack of a better term, the post-trauma stress/depression. I understand a lot of people feel this way after a lot of surgery and/or long illness. Landing in the middle of winter, when pretty much everyone is feeling lethargic, doesn’t help either. So, let yourself feel what you feel. Put aside the things you can’t do anything about at the moment and pick one thing that maybe you can do something about and just focus on that for a while.
Zoom be gentled with yourself and realize that this season is one of the most stressful for many reasons.
I am also coping with pain and balking at my limitations (physical and financial )
One dear friend is coping with the death of a family member as well as the first holiday season after the death (in May ) of her soulmate.
Another dear friend who is (was? ) the patriarch of a close loving family had a long chronic illness that suddenly got the upper hand last week.
I of course am useless to help in any of these situations because due to my limitations it is more bother to have my help when I offer. I may not even be able to go pay condolences to my friend due to the transportation logistics to get to that part of town.
XUP stole what I was going to say…
But it’s ok to feel this way. You’ve been through a lot– your body has been through a lot. Time to let it heal.
You’ve kept such a great spirit and positive attitude up for most of the really shitty year. Of course you have to come down at some point. And it makes sense that it’s days before winter solstice. These short dark days make everything worse.
I am so sorry your problems will follow you into 2010. I hope things start looking up really soon.
It’s been a hard year, Zoom… But 2010 might bring surprises!!!! And winter can be quite beautiful….today will be bright and sunny! Oh, and please tell us what kind of yarn you picked up? It is always my gift-to-myself of choice. This Saturday, I,ll be driving with a friend to janie h. knits in Perth. (I know, I should be busy buying and wrapping for others…oh well…)
Oh zoom!
I’ve got just the remedy — and will share it with you on Tuesday :). You can’t lose your sense of humour, it’s like your keys. You know you know where it is, you just have to find it again. And you know it won’t take long, and they aren’t gone forever.
I know you never ask for help but feel free to ask if you need anything.
The idea about water is an AMAZING one, my step-mom has severe back pain that is on and off and water aerobics liteally changed her life. She does yoga as well and swears by it.
Much love & positive energy
-JM
I’m struggling right now too. With me, it just happens every once in a while. And I think that this time of year exacerbates any tendencies towards the blues for all of us.
Right now, I’m just putting one foot in front of the other, taking things one hour at a time and hoping that the fog lifts in the New Year.
Eventually, it will – for both of us.
I hope the sun today lifts your spirit, even if all you do is look at it from your couch.
It’s the darkest time of the year, most people feel it.
Melissa, the kitty diarrhea didn’t make me laugh, but it did make me grateful that at least I don’t have that problem. 😉
Colette, it’s funny you should mention water aerobics. I tried it once, years ago, and thought “I’ll do this again when I’m old and feeble.” Maybe I should look into it again…
XUP, you’re probably right, and it made me feel better to read that.
Reb, I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time too. I’d never thought of how physical issues and limitations might rob you of the opportunity to be helpful when your friends need help, but I can see that now. I’m sorry.
Nat, thanks.
And Kate, you might have a point, because the brilliant sunshine today is lifting my spirits.
Carmen, GC and I went out to Janie K Knits for the first time last weekend, but we got there shortly after it closed! Let me know what you got. (I’m going to try to live vicariously through other people’s yarn-acquisition experiences for awhile.)
JM, I like the comparison of a sense of humour to keys!
Laurie, I know, I felt the same feelings coming from your blog the other day. Misery doesn’t exactly love company, but I did feel some kinship, some kindred spiritness, when I read it. I hope you’re feeling a little better today with the sunshine.
Malva, it did, it helped. Thank you.