Even though the sun is shining and it’s springtime and things are generally good in my life, I’m having a grumbly sort of day today. I think it’s just some emotional debris left behind by the layoff.
Back in February, when I saw the layoff on the horizon as a real but indefinite possibility, I imagined myself rising above it all. If and when my time came, I would be the model laid-off worker. I would not be a disgruntled former employee. I would not wallow. I would have a healthy and positive approach to change. I’d be resilient and creative and I’d make the most of it. Challenge, change, opportunity, lemons, lemonade, blah blah blah.
Maybe I was wrong. Oh sure, I’m counting my blessings. I’m very happy I have a decent severance package. I’m relieved I have no debt other than my mortgage. But I’m not feeling as optimistic as I had hoped to feel. And I’m feeling a little disgruntled, in spite of myself.
Maybe disgruntledness is a natural and universal reaction to being laid off. Maybe it’s like being dumped, and you have to go through all the stages in order to achieve that lofty state of indifference. In the meantime, I keep having these weird dreams that they’re laying me off and giving me weird parting gifts, like a horseradish. Whatever that means.
Anyway. Enough wallowing. I’m going to watch this Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole video again, because I love it and it might make me feel better. And then I’m going to go outside in the sunshine. And after that I’m going to City Hall to get appreciated by the Shepherds of Good Hope, because it’s Volunteer Appreciation Day.
Sorry you are having a grumbly day but you brightened mine with this video.
You are hereby appreciated way down here in metropolitan Beamsville as well.
Horseradish is used to represent the bitterness and harshness of slavery . . .
I’d be amazed if you didn’t have a grumbly day or two. Change that is thrust upon us is the hardest kind to process.
And it is awfully hard not to take being laid off personally, especially after all those years.
I love the symbolism of horseradish (as revealed by Grace)
It’s tough leaving slavery – travel through the desert and all that.
There’s this perhaps universal human desire to avoid feeling negative emotion, but in fact those things are really necessary and important. Wouldn’t it be kind of awful if you felt nothing after leaving a place that you had worked for so many years? Leaving all those people, those ideas, those links to the world…..
I was thinking about my sickly sweet modern easter, and all the excessive chocolate that I ate that made me sick, and I was thinking about the Easter they will have had down where I was a month ago, in Guatemala (where they were already rehearsing for this) – people running through the streets on Friday dressed as Roman soldiers, reading out the crucifixion sentence…..huge processions in the streets centered of course on the agonized figure of Christ, stumbling towards his fate under the weight of his own instrument of torture…..pretty dark. But also a way to help people feel and acknowledge and share the experience of pain and loss, and get through it. That’s my latest take on the importance of religion: simulating difficult emotions in a communal context, where people can deal with them.
Ok, so that was a bit of a tangent. But maybe you see my point. I hope you can graciously navigate the grief, and draw from it the lasting memories that you need…..
Perfectly normal to have a grumpy day or two. I think you’re entitled to it in fact. Just keep the positive attitude and before you know it, things will be back to normal.
I love his interpretation of that song and I even have it in my little collection.
Losing your job is like a death and you have to grieve and go through various stages of grieving. At the end, life goes on.
I was going to say something about the stages of grieving, but got beaten to it.
In the meantime, if you need a cheer-up, go seek Susan Boyle on YouTube. Vindication and recognition for those of us who are not now, and never have been, and never should have had to be, Barbie-dolls.
Thank you Bandobras, I felt better after reading what you wrote.
Grace, I had no idea about the symbolism of horseradish, and it does seem particularly apt, doesn’t it?
Oma, yes. On some level I’m taking it personally.
Janet, those are wise words; I’ll strive to be gracious and take care of the good memories. (By the way, I saw you the night I wrote this post – I was standing outside City Hall on Elgin Street, and you went whizzing by on your bike.)
Chris, I want better than normal!
Julia, I thought I’d already gone through all the stages and was at acceptance before I even got the final word that I was laid off. I guess I over-estimated myself!
Gayle, hmmm. I’ve been thinking about the whole Susan Boyle phenomenon quite a bit. Mostly from a sociological perspective. I might blog about it in a day or two…