For the past 18 years I’ve worked at a non-profit organization.
In January, our new President reluctantly issued layoff notices to the entire staff, effective March 28, but said some or all of the layoff notices might be rescinded if she could find alternative sources of funding. We were asked not to tell anyone in the meantime.
So we worked and waited and watched for signs.
Stress was high and morale was low. Paranoia started creeping in around the edges.
When I started working there in 1991, there were 45 employees. Yesterday there were 10. Today there are seven.
I dodged the layoff bullet many times over the years, but not this time.
I saw it coming and I was pretty sure my name was on it. It was little things that gave it away, like noticing that certain managers were avoiding eye contact or conversation with me.
As I sat in the President’s office yesterday, along with my other friends who were being laid off, I felt like the moment had been rehearsed a hundred times by everybody in the room. I absorbed the news with a mix of emotions. I felt a bit detached, a bit numb, a little sad and hurt, a little angry, and a lot relieved. My head might be rolling on the floor, but at least it wasn’t waiting in the guillotine anymore. I even felt kind of sorry for the people who were staying, and for the people who had to deliver the news.
I’ve been through so much with this organization over the years. So many attempts to re-align and re-invent and re-define itself during and after so many sets of layoffs. So much perpetual motion and flux and inertia and wheel-spinning and course-changing in its efforts to survive. It became damned near impossible to keep galvanizing myself for more of the same.
But it still hurts to know that ‘my’ organization has chosen to redefine itself without me, especially when I think that this time they might actually get it right, and when I still hope they do.
Eighteen years is a long time. The first Gulf War was underway when I started working here. LA cops were filmed beating Rodney King. Brian Mulroney introduced the GST. Bill Clinton announced he would run for President. The Soviet Union officially ceased to exist.
I’ve moved six times during that period. I married and divorced. My child became an adult. I adopted two cats and a dog from the Humane Society, two of whom have since died of old age.
The organization has moved three times and had six Presidents during that time. It’s gone from typewriters to computers. The Internet didn’t exist publicly yet. We had memos and mimeographs. We even had a smoking lounge back then.
It’s a long time, eighteen years.
After the President had delivered the news and outlined our options and offered to help us in any way possible and given us the rest of the week off, the three of us picked our heads up off the floor and headed to the nearest bar where we enjoyed some beverages and camaraderie and a little gallows humour.
Later in the day I found myself at Mexicali Rosa’s with GC and we ran into John, who bought us a couple of tequila shooters. It had been a long time since I’d had a tequila shooter (actually, I think it was the last time I saw John), and GC said it was his first as an adult.
I feel okay today.
I won’t deny there’s a part of me that’s pissed off and wants to point the finger and assign blame, and trace the sequence of bad decisions that led to this point right up the ladder through our organization, and even beyond, all the way up to Stephen Harper, and even back in time to past management.
But you know what? The sun is shining, Spring is in the air, and I’m free. Thanks to my union, I have a decent severance package that will buy me some time while I figure out what I’m going to do next. I’m ready for a change.
Even if it is being foisted upon me.
So, I think that you should take a week and head down south to contemplate your next move…with a mommy to be and a gramma to be…
Deb is likely right … a week in the sunshine would probably do wonders for your morale. But if you decide not to do that, call me and maybe we can get together.
zoom, this is a story I recognize from an earlier time, and it never gets easier. I can believe you’re feeling a mix of anger and relief. In your personal life, I hope that the relief wins out, although I also hope (selfishly) that the part of your anger that could continue all the way up to Harper will live on too.
All good wishes.
while one door closes, another one opens. i’m thinking of you
I just recently dodged the layoff bullet, but it has certainly changed the atmosphere at work. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do from here on
That is hard. It does sound, though, that it is time for a new adventure for you. Easy for me to say, I know; but it seems that you were ready to leave – it just would have been infinitely better had you been able to choose the time.
Good Luck!!!! You have a lot of people rooting for you, for sure!
More time for blogging?
Great to hear you’re keeping upbeat and looking at the positive side of things. A door just closed, so go find which window opened up!
– RG>
Sorry to hear it zoom, but you’ll be ok. I know it.
Oh dear. I totally know what you are feeling, having got the boot 4 years ago. I am still bitter (sometimes). If you need to vent, you know where I am!
Ah, scheiss. I had hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but I’m pretty sure it’s not the end of the world. It sucks, but you’re a survivor and you’re in a good place and I’m pretty sure one day you’ll look back and see this as a good thing. Somehow, stuff like this always turns out that way.
Sorry Zoom, try just being excited for what the day may bring, One never knows, open your heart to all possibilities. Thank you for sharing so we can send you good and positive energy.
There was bad vibes about the title of your post, and the content did not fail to deliver. I’m sorry to hear your news… but just imagine what adventures you’ll have next! A year from now you’ll be doing something fabulous thinking that getting laid off might just be the best thing that ever happened to you, because it allowed you to….
*hugs*, nonetheless.
damn HTML. I meant to say above that it allowed you to…
(choose your own adventure)…
but I used pointy brackets and it got whisked off into HTML heaven. (You’d think that being a proto-programmer I’d know the name for them pointy brackets.)
That is huge, but give yourself the time to refocus – it’s like the start of a new adventure or something, right?
I send good thoughts. Taking a break is a great idea. Refocus, relax, recharge.
What a lovely post about a stressful thing. We’re dealing with it here, as my partner was laid off Monday (they called her in to work early to do it — insult to injury). But she’d only been there a few years, not 18. I wish you peace and rest and a really kick-ass new job when you need/want one.
Yeah, it all sucks for the moment. But the cliché holds true: You’ll look back a year from now and probably think it was the best thing to happen and it opened up a whole new world of opportunity. Try to manage the funk of it all in the meantime.
So sorry to hear this, Zoom – for me you’ve been the friendly face of the for so long that I can’t imagine the place without you. You’re a survivor, though – you’ll find something — Annie and I are rooting for you!
P.S. I just did exactly the same as Susan above – innocently stuck in some “pointy brackets” (HTML calls them comment tags) that hid some of my text — my previous comment *should* have read: “…you’ve been the friendly face of the (name of org) for so long…”
Like everyone else, I am sorry to hear that. It’s not a fun place to be. When stuff like this happens, I try and remind myself that usually something really bad has to happen for something really good to happen. Once one path has grown over behind you, you usually find a deer trail, which you normally wouldn’t have taken, that leads to a wonderful meadow with a nice stream and maybe even some berry bushes with ripe berries on them. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you find your way soon.
(LOVE the sheep header!)
*sending good vibes*
I’m so sorry, but as you say, it’s time to look forward to a change! *big hugs*
P.S. LOVE LOVE LOVE the header, it looks great!
I can see why this organization has had financial problems for years; When they send an employee that they know they are laying off in 24 hours on a training course that includes travel to and from, accomodations in Toronto, and the cost of a course. Doesn’t make sense to me.
I dodged the layoff bullet for 32 years in the high tech industry but finally got hit 6 weeks ago. I couldn’t be happier! Once the severance runs out I may feel differently but for the time being I’m doing the things I never had time for and I’m re-thinking what I want to do next. Enjoy your time off and recharge your batteries. You’re a talented woman and I’m sure there’s many opportunities ahead.
Well sometimes it’s good to get a kick in the pants (especially if the severance package gives you time to figure out your next path). My husband lost his job a couple of years ago and ended up getting one that paid almost double what he’d been earning before. He never would have sought out another opportunity if they’d hadn’t let him go.
Thanks very much to all of you for your kind words and positive thoughts! It means a lot to me, and it’s helping. I feel surprisingly optimistic about the future.
The same sort of thing happened to me about 3 years ago, when the nonprofit I’d worked at for 7 years laid me off, due to outsourcing my entire department. It was one of the best things that has ever happened to me and, lord, can I identify with the feeling of relief you are experiencing. I’d been dreading and worrying and micro-analyzing everything that happened at work, looking for signs, so it wasn’t a shock when the news came, but it was still a kick in the teeth. It felt like a personal rejection and that’s never fun. Almost immediately, though, thanks to the severance package, I was able to find the bright side and enjoy my new freedom. All the best to you, too!
Yes, the sun is shining and it’s a new turn…you’ll be fine. But, I do recommend that you take one dozen cheap eggs (no organic, free range stuff here), go out in the woods and aim each one at a tree, imagining a face on that tree while you throw hard.
It’s a forced new turn, but I’m sure it will lead to great things, knowing you. Thank goodness for severance packages. I keep thinking of those poor folks at Nortel. Ugh.
But yes – for now, you can be a full-time blogger 😉
Zoom,
I am so sorry! But, I think you’ve got a really good attitude about it and as boringly repetitive as it sounds..when one door closes, another one opens. Really, it happen to me and without me even knowing it! On a totally different front…I like, like, like, oops..LOVE the new banner!! I’ve been busy lately….just how new is it?
Yikes. Even seeing it coming, still a shock to the expectations. What a huge amount of water since the last bridge…still you’ll come out in a new place and if nothing else it’ll be adventures to blog of. 😉
I’m sorry to hear that Zoom…
I got laid off many moons ago, the situation was a bit different, still while hard at the time, I don’t regret the decision one bit.
Commiseration and condolences on the layoff, but congratulations on the opportunity for something new!
Enjoy a break, blog often, dance in the sunshine.
Much love your way Zoom!
We’ve been through all the same emotions (and similar experiences!) this year here. From my perspective as a loving onlooker my two biggest emotions have been RELIEF that the axe isn’t hanging there any longer and ineffectual anger that YOUR organization would treat any of it’s employees this way.
Even now that the severance is running out I still feel mainly relief, and hope for the future.
Sending lots of hope and happiness your way
Your intelligent, creative, funny, intuitive and I have no doubt you’ll work this to your advantage. You’re the King of Smarties AND the King of Smartiepanses AND the King of Woodies AND the KING of the Blog. I love you.
Yes, thank you GC, you’re right, I am the King of pretty much the entire known universe. I just wish it paid more. 😉
I was just about to email you about the conference thing… I can’t go, but I wanted to thank you for the opportunity. With your experience I’m sure you’ll be back working when you’re ready.
Don’t forget to spend plenty of kwality time with Duncan…
Zoom,
I am so sorry to hear about the end, But like GC said you
have all the smarts. Sometime’s things end so that a great thing
can happen next.
I would be glad to help you once they decide what kind of Compensation or Pension options they offer..
I guess we are not meeting today
Ri
I’m sorry to hear about your layoff. I seriously wish you all the best with this end of things.
Being laid off hurts a lot, but being a part of something that is terminally shrinking is not healthy either. I worked for 10 years for a non-profit where we were spending most of our working hours spinning reports to justify our salaries rather than fulfilling our mandate. It was sooo demoralizing.
You have so many talents and energy of 10. There will be many new doors wide open for you.
You’re all so kind, and you say all the right things. Thank you.
I went into the office today to tie up all the loose ends, and had a bit of a weepy moment when it came time to actually walk down the corrider and out the door for the last time. I didn’t WANT that weepy moment, dammit. But it was raining and 18 years is a long time and it’s not easy saying goodbye.
(Rita – I’m sorry, we’ll reschedule soon, okay? My schedule’s wide open now!)
Gosh. Was sick in bed when this post was published. Only learned about it from your follow-up post of today.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this! Hope the sense of impending doom you’d been having for the past three months at least helped you to prepare for some of the changes to come. Had the layoff notice come unexpectedly, the shock would have been so much worse and the subsequent adjustments that much harder.
Thanks Ocean. The thing is, layoffs are never really unexpected in the non-profit sector. You live your professional life with the ever-present spectre of “the next round” peering through the window. Something needs to be done about the way non-profits are funded in this country, because the current arrangement just hobbles them.
Sure know about the funding problems! It was the cuts and changes to eligibility criteria for Status of Women Canada grants which put the end to WISE.
Now you have time to do something fun, like playing Warhammer Online. Waaaaaaaugh!