I don’t enjoy going to the dentist. I do it anyway – every six months – because I enjoy having teeth.
I don’t floss though. My dentist says “Just floss the ones you want to keep,” but I don’t.
Monday morning started with a visit to the dentist, and I decided to entertain and challenge myself by trying to think of things I like about going to the dentist.
1. I get to lie down in a comfy chair. Admittedly, it would be more comfy if nobody were scraping my teeth and digging under my gums with sharp instruments, but it’s still a comfy chair.
2. I like the weight of the lead apron. It’s comforting. Admittedly, it would be more comforting if I didn’t understand its purpose, but it still feels good. (By the way, do you close your eyes during dental x-rays in a futile effort to protect your brain from radiation? Or is that just me?)
3. I like the cinnamon-flavoured tooth polish.
4. I like that vacuum cleaner thing that sucks the extra liquid out of your mouth.
5. I like when the dentist inspects my teeth and says “I think I see a little cavity,” and then consults the x-ray and says, “No, I guess I’m wrong.”
6. I like my dental hygienist’s tattoo of a smiling tooth on the inside of her forearm. And I like her other tattoos and her piercings and her crazy hair. I like listening to her stories. For example, her Rottweiler had twelve puppies four weeks ago and she is trying to wean her pups because nursing twelve puppies is painful – they actually ATE ONE OF HER NIPPLES!! ATE IT!!
This got me thinking, as the day went on, about other nipple injuries.
Years ago I had a job stocking shelves at the Herb and Spice in the Glebe. One day I was leaning over a carton of cereal boxes, sticking price tags on them with a price gun, when somehow I got my nipple caught in the pricing gun at the very instant I was squeezing the trigger.
It hurt so much I felt nauseous and everything turned white for a minute or two.
I went over to Irene’s Pub for beer and sympathy. It just so happened that there were only women sitting at the bar that afternoon, and every woman there had a nipple injury story of her own to share. Kim, the bartender, told us about how she had gone out back to throw stuff into the dumpster, and while she was hoisting a heavy box up to the dumpster, the lid slammed down on her nipple.
And then – while we were sitting there sharing our nipple injury stories – someone came into the bar selling coupons for an aesthetic service that included nipple waxing! We all just sat there at the bar, staring at him in horror and cupping our breasts protectively in our hands until he left.
I find it odd that with all the films of testicular groinal injuries seen on stuff like America’s funniest home videos there isn’t a comparable nipple breastal injury series. I’d be willing to do the filming if anyones willing to be the injuree.
Hoooo…. Heeeee…. I am giggling like an idiot over here.
I had to go to a specialist dentist to see if I needed a root canal. I went into this swanky dental office that looked like a scene from “Ugly Betty’s” place of work, Mode Magazine. The receptionists, dentists, and assistants looked hot and trendy–even in their dental outfits. The waiting rooms and dental rooms looked über-modern. When I sat in the dental chair, this hot sexy babelicious dental assistant spoke to me sweetly. She took some cooling gel and placed it on my gums.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”
All of the sudden, my nightmare came. “Ugly” Betty Suarez was swabbing my gums with a gel that made my nerves shoot in pain! I was ready to yank some f***in’ braces out!
The root canal procedure is no more painful than filling a cavity. It’s just more expensive. That’s painful!
i am sorry but i am laughing, not at you but with you.
first, i find it hysterical that a dentist would tell you to ‘floss the ones you want to keep’. that’s funny!
also, i have also had a nipple injury. my boxer jumped up on me when i was walking from the shower to my bedroom naked. she just nicked the corner of my nipple and the pain made me feel like i was gonna pass out. i feel for you.
caught in a pricing gun? ouch!
nipple waxing? never heard of such a thing. i gotta get out!!
I like the jet of water that the hygenist sprays in your mouth to clean all the crud away… very refreshing…
I don’t have any of my own nipple injury stories, but I did have to repeirce my brother’s nipple for him when he took the ring out and couldn’t get it back in.
Nipple injuries – my eldest, upon reaching about a year old and finally having produced teeth, discovered that biting on mom’s nipple felt really good. Further, she found the screaming that produced to be vastly amusing and laughed as I yelled, “LET GO!” But managed to keep her teeth clamped shut tight as she laughed. I had to wiggle my finger between her back teeth and pry her mouth open. The other two bit as well – it’s a nursing infant’s right of passage – but showed human emotions and let go when I shrieked. Despite my fears that the eldest might turn out to be a sociopath, she did eventually develop empathy.
Btw, I used to not floss, but after actually losing two molars, I began to obsessively floss the others, and once you get going, not flossing feels as bad as not brushing. And you get to feel like you are the best thing ever when you go to the dentist and they rave about your great gums. It’s like getting a gold star in kindergarten.
Flossing…when they start using numbers…you are a 5 or a 6…apparently the higher numbers aren’t better. Who does a major “week before the dentist” flossing. You floss like crazy a couple of times a day for a week before you go, so they don’t bleed and the hygenist doesn’t give you shit for not flossing. I hate going to the dentist. I go, but God, I hate it.
Nipples…I just remember when my kids latched on, it felt like having my nipple slammed in a car door. I persisted, but to no avail.
I read this blost post earlier and then watched a movie called Ghost Town in which a dentist uses the “Just floss the ones you want to keep†joke. Strange coincidence.
My old roommates’ cats tried to suck on my nipple once. I kicked her off my lap and didn’t incur an injury.
Is it just me or did anyone else have to read #6 again to figure out whether it was the dental hygienist or the rottweiler queen whose nipple was eaten by a pup?
No, deBeauxOs, it wasn’t just you.
and I’m delighted to know there are more women out there who have had nipple injuries. I thought it was just me, though most injuries are from getting my piercing caught in something
it’s a pretty *ouch* situation
I just laughed so hard at this that milk came out my nose!
I’ve only had the normal nipple injuries involving nursing my babies but my husband wore his nipples down to raw trying to surf! He should have rented the wet suit…
My worst nipple experience was one winter when I was running a 10K race into the wind the whole way. When we finished running we went over to this guy’s place for some warming beverages and to huddle around his wood stove. Well, my (and most of the other women’s) nipples were painfully hard and erect (not at all in sexy way) for hours from having been so cold. From then on every time any one of us got extra cold nipples we called them Bunty Boobs after the guy who’s house we tried to warm up in after the race.
Compared to pelvic exams and mammograms, going to the dentist is a delight. At my last mammo (and by “last” I mean LAST ONE EVER), the technician twisted my right breast just enough that when the flatteners (tech term there) were applied, the pain was excruciating. Not a nipple injury story, but the best I can do.
I once had a topless cat-attack, but I don’t think it’s the same for a guy.
As painful as a kick in the…? If so ouch.
Great stories
If you floss every day, your gums don’t bleed and you don’t get that stinky stuff on the floss. Start flossing the next morning after a cleaning and keep at it every day and you’ll never regret it. I only go for cleanings once every couple of years and even then, they have to look for stuff to scrape and that’s because I floss every day. Use waxed mint flavoured floss and it’ll be easy. Really!
A minnow bit my nipple once… Yes, it hurt like hell. I was lying belly down in a shallow pool of water after skinny dipping.
I work at a fast food restaurant and was stocking stacks of plastic wrapped cups with a coworker by throwing them from where they were stored, across the space behind the counter (we weren’t busy and most of the other workers in the back). The coworker (a woman) gave one stack of cups a particularly strong throw and it rocketed straight into my right breast, causing a very unexpected amount of pain. I think I actually fell down from shock more than from pain, but its one of the funnier things that’s happened to me at work.
Accidental breast exposure – betcha we all have good stories about that too. When my breasts were new and I wasn’t used to having them yet, mine got accidentally exposed during waterskiing. It was especially embarrassing because my sunday school teacher was there, and he was an extremely cute teenaged boy. blush!
Haven’t had any real nipple injuries, other than my daughter’s occasional bite while nursing. I do have a funny story about an ex-bf though. While lying in bed one morning, my cat jumped up on the bed looking for some love. After he made himself comfortable, he noticed the ex’s nipple. He used his paw to examine. First it was a pat, pat, pat. Then pat, pat pat again. Then pat, pat, pat, SWIPE!
I couldn’t help but laugh.
Kim! The one that had toilets for earrings that one time? Say hi for me. (Black Label – she’ll remember).
Oh, and see my “Quiet Barber” post on my blog for my own solution to the dentist problem… (not sure how to post a direct link here?)
Oh ouch. I tried to breastfeed, I don’t think my nipples have felt the same since. (And not in a good way.)
Re: Dentist… the flossing makes the scraping a lot better. I also got a sonic care toothbrush incredible cut the time in the chair by half.
Just so the men don’t feel left out – every year at the Marathon, I see at least one man with streaks of blood running down the front of his shirt. These are nipple injuries, from being rubbed raw against his shirt. Men, I think you’re supposed to tape your nipples or coat them with vaseline or something before running a marathon.
Woodsy, I think you win the ODDEST nipple injury award.
Jen, did you ever read my blog entry about the terry-cloth bathing suit my mom made me when I was 12?
Andrew, good memory! Yes, that would be Kim (a.k.a. Bonesy) with the toilet earrings. (And I believe those toilet earrings had a secret condom pocket in them too.)