How I got rid of my four wasp nests

I wanted to post a video clip of my wasp extermination, but in the end there was nothing to see. Instead, there was a series of miscommunications and embarrassments.

Here’s how it unfolded:

1. Two weeks ago my neighbour, Brian, pointed out the wasps. They were nesting right next to his parking space, in a wooden box on my property.

2. I blogged about it. I sought advice and conducted research.

3. I bought a product – adhesive spray – but did not use it.

4. I procrastinated some more.

5. I emailed my friend D, a former exterminator, who said this wasn’t a DIY project. “Once the first one stings you,” he said, “a pheromone is released that signals all the other wasps to attack you. Each wasp can sting repeatedly. You will not be able to get out of there fast enough.” He referred me to a company which we will discreetly refer to as ABC.

6. I procrastinated another day or two, played telephone tag with ABC for a couple of days, and finally booked an appointment for Wednesday morning.

7. The ABC technician – we’ll call her Hilda – phoned Wednesday morning. “Did you know,” she said, “that the wasps will disappear on their own? First frost, they’re gone. You didn’t hear it from me but if you want to save $150, call the ABC office and cancel your appointment.”

8. I called ABC. I said “Someone called me this morning and told me the wasps will go away on their own in a couple of weeks.” The woman said she would check into it and call me right back.

9. GC arrived unexpectedly with breakfast and coffee. He was disappointed to hear there might not be a show. We wondered if the show alone would be worth $150. We both secretly hoped there would still be a show.

10. ABC didn’t call back so I called them. “Hilda will be over shortly and she shouldn’t have told you what she told you,” she said, “Besides, first frost might not be for six weeks yet.” I asked her why she thought Hilda told me that. (Because, you’ll remember, all I said was that somebody told me. It could have been a friend or anybody.) She said “Because nobody here called you, and you said she, so I knew it had to be Hilda.” Clearly she just assumed that ‘somebody’ meant ‘somebody from ABC.’ Faulty logic had, unfortunately, led her to the correct conclusion.

11. I started to worry Hilda was gonna be pissed at me for ratting her out to her employer.

12. Hilda arrived and parked right next to the wasp box. She was in her truck writing something in her book. I went outside. I looked over at the wasp box. THERE WERE DEAD WASP NESTS LYING ON THE GROUND NEAR IT!

13. I inspected the four wasp nests: they’d all been destroyed. I immediately suspected my neighbour, Brian, got fed up with waiting for me to do something and took matters into his own hands. This could only mean that Brian was pissed at me too!

14. Hilda got out of her truck. She was a sturdy exterminator with a tough exterior and she looked pissed off in a cool professional kind of way. She fixed me with a withering gaze. I turned to jelly and fell all over myself trying to apologize. “I didn’t tell them you told me,” I cried, and then I babbled for several minutes, trying to explain. She looked at me like she thought I was a bit daft, and then she softened slightly.

“Okay,” she said, “Where are the wasps?” This is when I went into Part II of my apology, showing her the dead wasp nests and apologizing for not having any wasps for her to exterminate. I sensed she was feeling a bit sorry for me because I’m obviously such a loser I couldn’t even keep my wasps alive until the exterminator arrived.

15. Hilda called ABC. “I’m with Zoom now,” she said, “but her neighbour already took care of the situation.” She got off the phone and told me the charge would be $75. A wasp flew by. Hilda plucked it out of the air with her bare hand and squished it dead.

16. I felt wilted and withered and embarrassed by all the mix-ups, but as a conscientious consumer I couldn’t pay $75 for the killing of a single wasp. Hilda told me she wasn’t allowed to leave without payment. I called ABC and stated my case. To make a long story short, my case escalated to the office manager who then conferred with Hilda, and, in the end, he left it up to Hilda whether to charge me or not.

17. Hilda very kindly wrote ‘No Charge’ on the work order. And then she sprayed the inside of the wooden box to prevent the wasps from moving back in.

18. I tried to slip her $20 for her trouble, but she refused to take it. “Buy yourself a drink on me,” she said. “No, you buy yourself a drink on ME,” I said, pushing the bill at her. She waved the money away, got in her truck and drove off. I wondered if she refused the money because she thought I was just dumb enough to call the office and get her in trouble over that too.

And that’s the story of how I got rid of my four wasp nests. I guess I’ll buy Brian a bottle of wine with the $20.