Dear Duncan:
Why did my badkittymom hang the flypaper where she knew I would lose my balance while walking on the counter and brush my gorgeous tail against it?
Why didn’t she make the hook stronger so the flypaper wouldn’t break it?
Why did the big nasty mean empty loud plastic bag follow me around the house? (and yard, and undercar and basement and yard and house?)
Why did they put olive oil on my fur? And THEN, just when that wasn’t awful enough, why did they GET me WET and soapy and wet again and the water was too hot and wet and stinky soap and THEN sqeezed me with a towel?
Do you think she hates me?
PS — Yes, I peed on her bed because she’s a meanbadkittymom.
Yours truly,
Gwyndolyn O’Shaughnessy,
Queen of All She Surveys and Empress of Everything Else, Princess of Kitty Doors, Duchess of Dresser Drawers, Marchioness of Mice and Men, Countess of Clocks, Baroness Boxenbag, Mistress Underbed and a host of lesser titles. Also Endo Skidmark, Acrocat Extraordinaire.
Dear Gwyndolyn O’Shaughnessy,
Nice titles.
I am mystified by the bizarre behaviour of your human. Have there been other episodes? Did she seem angry or jealous when she attacked you? Has she always hated you?
It’s always a good strategy to pee on their beds when they displease you, but in this case I don’t think you went far enough. She needs to know that you will not tolerate this kind of abuse. I suggest that you pee and poop on her bed every day for a month. Don’t waste those hairballs either.
Please take care of yourself Gwyndolyn O’Shaughnessy. Watch your back. And keep me posted. I care.
Sincerely,
Duncan Donut, the Glorious Dogcat
TAGS:
Dears Duncan,
I’s live with 4 children only onz is cat boy and treats me nice and letz me sleeps unmolested. Hez lets me in when itz raining. Others sleeps through my catterwailing.
Iz puts up with dog but in moment of sleepeezness Iz scratch baby human.
No onez is letting me forgets it.
Hows do I get them to forgetz it. Iz not goin to apologize for all the cheezes in the world.
Luna
I sense trouble in the offing….
Dear Luna, I think you should apologize and then they will love you up and give you treats and tell you you’re the best pussycat in the whole entire universe.
Let me know how it works out, I care.
Sincerely,
Duncan
Nursemyra – there’s trouble all over. I think we’re only scratching the tip of the scratching post here.
Dear Duncan,
I am a goooood kitty; yes I am, yes I am! Oh what a handsome boy I am. Who’s a handsome boy? Me, that’s who. Yes I am, yes I am. Do I want a little skritchy? Do I? Do I? Yes, I do! Yes, I do! Can I give kissies? Can I? Can I? Yes, I can! Oh what nice kissies. Nice kitty kissies. Good for me. I’m a gooooood kitty. Here come the yum-yums. Does a handsome boy like me want some yum-yums? Yes I do.Yes I do. Mmmmmmmm, yum-yums.
I’m just sayin’…
Signed,
Bazel
Dear Duncan,
I highly approve of your advice about peeing on the bed. My room used to be so cramped, but after a couple of months of peeing exclusively on the bed, they threw out the bed, and I got a few more feet of floor space. I’d also like to share a handy human-shocker technique. Eat things that upset your stomach a LOT, then make sure to leave smelly puddles in places the humans step, but don’t immediately see (like right inside the doorway, before they can reach the light in the room). It’s hilarious watching them shriek, then hop on one foot, gagging, all the way to the bathroom. Cracks me up every time!
Faithfully yours,
Mimi, Psychocat from Hell