Tonight I had the pleasure of traveling home from work on the #14 bus in the company of a naked, sweaty, extensively tattooed man and a fat toddler who could make wine glasses explode with his voice alone.
They weren’t together. The naked tattooed man was standing up on the packed bus and looming over me, and the shrieking toddler was the sole occupant of a gigantic double stroller at the front of the bus.
Okay, I’m exaggerating. The naked man wasn’t completely naked. But I’m pretty sure that toddler really could break wine glasses.
You know me, I try to make the best of every situation. I was sitting there thinking how unpleasant it was having all my senses assaulted simultaneously, but at least it would make good blogging material.
So I took out my camera and tried to surreptitiously take a picture of the looming naked tattooed man. My camera’s got a handy little swivel screen so if I’m feeling gutsy I can sometimes get a sneaky shot of someone without them even knowing, even if they’re only two inches away from me, like the sweaty naked badly tattooed man.
I almost got away with it. I angled my screen and twisted my camera until I could see him on the display, and I was just about to snap the shutter when the man standing next to him nudged him and gestured at me. I immediately pretended I was just sorting through my stored pictures. I don’t know why I did that. I wish I had just taken the picture.
Anyway, the two men struck up a conversation and naturally I eavesdropped.
“All them tattoos musta cost a lot of money,” observed the not-tattooed man.
“No, not really,” said the naked smelly tattooed man proudly, “Some of ’em people did for free, and some I did myself. I bought my own tattoo gun to save money.”
Personally, I think there are certain things you shouldn’t skimp on by doing yourself, such as tattoos and cosmetic surgery. But, if you insist on being your own tattoo artist, at least get a buddy to proofread your tattoos before you permanently etch them into your body. You don’t want spelling mistakes. I didn’t look too closely because I didn’t want to be rude, but I noticed at least one spelling mistake on his stomach, along with lots of incomprehensible writing and diagrams. I was able to read “gin is love” scrawled on his abdomen, and the word “wolf” formed a ring around his belly button. (Speaking of rings, did I mention he had a ring in his nipple? Have I ever told you how I feel about nipple rings?)
About that fat toddler. Every time the bus braked, the brakes would squeal. All the buses are like that; you get used to it. But I guess the toddler wasn’t used to it. Every time the brakes squealed, the toddler would out-squeal it. He would take a giant lungful of air and then he would release it along the uppermost ranges of his taut vocal cords in an impossibly long, loud, shrill, violent, blood-curdling, ear-splitting, soul-searing, seizure-inducing shriek.
I looked around at the other passengers and the survivors were all straining to get a glimpse of the creature capable of making such sounds. The teenagers were vowing never to have children. The seniors were yanking out their hearing aids. If looks could kill, that fat toddler and his freakishly placid mother would be pushing up daisies already. I think he’s going to be an opera singer if he grows up.
Not that it makes it any more pleasant but the child might have an ear ache or a behavior/perception disorder that makes sounds unbearable to him. Though you would think his own screams might have the same effect.
I am just trying to imagine sitting with a big fat naked belly in my face – the urge to bite comes to mind.
Zoom! You were all over the news today. Apparently you left travelers stranded in many airports around the world.
Ain’t life interesting! Good blog.
‘Zoom doomed!’ That’s what I heard. Say it ain’t so Zoom!
You should be riding your bike to work. Get you off the 14. Great post though.
How do you feel about nipple rings? 😉
It’s funny… I was trying to take a picture of a tattooed bus driver tonight – on a 96. I failed too. An angry man got in my way… I love this post Zoom!
Wow – sounds like your typical #14 trek to me. WORST. OCTRANSPO ROUTE. EVER. OK, the 1 is pretty bad, but the #14 is worse.
How did the naked tattooed guy get on? Unless he got on via one of the back doors…Most drivers didn’t allow that kind of crap when I lived there. I so would have taken a picture anyway! And I love that you proofread his tats – hilarious!
I would be willing to bet *money* that the fat toddler was autistic. My guy would cover his ears and rock and groan when he heard that sound when he was little, but my friend D’s son shrieks to cover big shrieky sounds like that.
He no longer rocks as much but he still covers his ears and groans “Gahhhhhhh!!!!!!!” when babies are crying…so think it could be worse. He could have shared the ride with you too!
Naked! omg! I haven’t even finished reading the paragraph of this post!
I feel for you. I think we all have theses days on the bus. These are the days, where I wish I had my drivers license or would have just walked the extra 30min home.
And this morning, “Zoom’s fall tip of iceberg, expert says”
Took a ride on the #2 this week and noticed that I was the ONLY one for six rows ahead (didn’t look behind) without a tattoo! Mercifully, the humidity was low and nobody was sweaty; #2 is usually a very ‘ripe’ bus route.
1st – I was also very sorry to hear about your very public dressing down (Zoom Bust); 2nd – Like Grace said, what’s the dealie with all the tattoos? It’s true that almost everyone has tattoos these days. And not just a small tastful tat in a discrete spot. No! Young girls with their arms and at least one leg covered with all sorts. Young men with tattoos on their faces,necks and who-knows-where else. As fun and cool as all this stuff is now, there MUST come a time, down the road, when they’re going to experience some twinges of regret, no???
Talk about an anti-advertisment for public transport! It’s making my ears hurt just thinking about it.
And later this morning at my daughter’s dental appointment:
“your whitest smile in only 45 minutes Zoom!”. For more info http://www.zoomnow.com!
Nightmarish and amusing… ah, the camaraderie of those who endure public transport.
Okay, your bus ride beats mine.
Thank Dog.
ah, buses,… good reason to walk.
what does happen to vocal fold structure that makes seniors lose the toddler skill? or is it the lung capacity. I’ve been wondering that.
http://www.triplecrownnewsletters.com
“1st – I was also very sorry to hear about your very public dressing down (Zoom Bust); 2nd – Like Grace said, what’s the dealie with all the tattoos? It’s true that almost everyone has tattoos these days. And not just a small tastful tat in a discrete spot. No! Young girls with their arms and at least one leg covered with all sorts. Young men with tattoos on their faces,necks and who-knows-where else. As fun and cool as all this stuff is now, there MUST come a time, down the road, when they’re going to experience some twinges of regret, no??? ”
same