by Duncan Donut the Glorious Dogcat.
I’m giving Zoom a hand since she’s in a bit of a blogging slump lately.
This is the first instalment of my new column: Dear Duncan.
Dear Duncan,
I fell asleep drinking a beer out of my bowl one day and when I woke up I was the First Dog of the best City in the world.
But it’s not perfect. Case in point: The pathetic scrawny alley cats in my neighbourhood keep asking me for money. They say it’s for food but I’m certain they’re spending it all on catnip. Please tell all your readers to stop giving money to these alley cats. Instead, just put your money in a parking meter and I’ll pick it up later and give it to good-hearted and wonderful people who serve the plight of cats and believe in social equity. Then we can all feel good about my economic efficiency.
Yours sincerely,
Remi O’Brien
Dear Remi,
Woof.
Congratulations on the new thesaurus.
Seriously though, you do demonstrate a moderately sophisticated level of thinking for a dog. Have you thought of starting your own blog?
Sincerely,
Duncan
Dear Duncan,
Are you still peeing on GC?
Robin
Dear Robin,
That’s kind of a personal question, isn’t it? Let’s just say that GC and me, we’re talking, and we’re coming to some kind of understanding. GC put his cards on the table and here’s what he said: “Duncan, please don’t make her choose cause I think she’ll choose you.” And then we got down to some serious negotiations about how we could turn this into a win-win situation. I don’t want to divulge the details of this deal since we haven’t finished crossing our eyes and dotting our tees, but let’s just say GC and me have tentatively agreed there’s no P in Team, but there is a yet-to-be-determined quantity of tuna and catnip in Team.
If you have questions for Duncan, please send them to duncan.docgat@gmail.com.
TAGS:
Dear Duncan, My cat has taken to stalking my daughter around the house and viciously attacking her when she least expects it. She runs but he runs after her, anticipating her next move and cutting her off her escape routes. It’s kind of funny to watch, but also a bit scary. Could you come and counsel Bazel on how to be a sweet, cuddly cat like you? (minus the urinary self-expression, of course)
Signed,
Tweedy Bird’s mom
Dear Duncan
Since this small loud thing arrived in our house, I find I am no longer in charge of my humans. They won’t let me go down the stairs before them, the walks are way shorter and they seem less interested in praising my canine gorgeousness and ferocity. You cat folk seem so much more in control of your humans. How do I get the pack order restored so I can be top dog once again?
Sincerely
Winston
Dear Duncan,
I live with my mom, dad, two sisters (bratty girl cats) and my brother cat. Things were going swell (almost) until my mom decided that she was going to ‘foster’ other cats in our house! Separate from us, of course. But I had to have ‘words’ with one of the guys and mom said I was being bad. Wasn’t it bad enough that MY MOM was spending any time with these intruders? But then *I* get blamed for defending my own house?? What gives? I have not as of yet resorted to your form of urinary justice, but let’s just say if she pulls this stunt again I will NOT be happy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Yours truly,
Cashew in D.C.
Dear Duncan,
Can you teach me to how to climb up a tree? I’d like to, uh… play, yah that’s it, “play” with you.
Thanks in advance 😉
LTD
So Duncan, old pal, do you think a guy should be allowed to go outside whenever he wants? Especially at night? For as long as he wants? Without any lectures and other BS?
Just wondering.
-The cat with no name
Dear Duncan,
My human teases me because every now and then I enjoy snacking on a giant, dried bull penis. I try to communicate to her that this only makes me MORE of a manly bulldog, but she just giggles and rubs my belly. How do I get her to see that I am tough, ferocious, and not in the least bit homosexual?
Love,
Mordichai
Dear Duncan
Does your column count or are both of you liable for the repercussions of 3 days without posts? Is Robin printing out tickets as we speak?
Dear Duncan,
I’m a sucker for a man with a sense of humor. You got me with “There is no P in Team”.
Your Adoring Fan