When my baby was just a couple of weeks old, he went five days without a dump! On the sixth day, I went to the drugstore and bought a baby suppository, which I administered while he was lying crosswise on the changing table with his bum facing me. (You see where this is going, don’t you?)
The suppository exceeded my wildest expectations. It produced one of those experiences that instantly sears itself into your permanent memory. As a matter of fact, I still remember exactly what I was wearing that day: a light blue cotton blouse, maternity jeans and running shoes.
So. Six days worth of backlog exploded out of the baby and onto my light blue cotton blouse. From there, it slid down my blouse and dripped onto my shoes, and then onto the floor where it formed ever-deepening pools. And it just kept coming and coming, always following that same trajectory.
Being new at this sort of thing, I was not prepared for the volume. I had a little green terrycloth facecloth and a fresh diaper. That’s it. So I yelled out to John, who was watching TV in the other room, to bring me some paper towels. There must have been a sense of urgency in my voice, because John came running on the double with a whole roll of paper towels.
But he only made it as far as the bedroom door. He took one look, saw what was happening, doubled over and started gagging and puking. He couldn’t stop.
For some reason I always found John’s weak stomach hilarious, so I started laughing uncontrollably. The more the baby pooped, the more John puked, and the more John puked, the more I laughed. We were all totally out of control – we couldn’t stop. So the three of us just hung out there in the nursery for awhile, pooping and puking and laughing uncontrollably.
(Of course it wasn’t so funny afterwards when it was ME who had to clean up all the puke and poop because John, with his weak stomach, couldn’t possibly help.)
In retrospect, maybe the funniest part of this story is that it’s actually a fond memory.
lol, thanx, sadly enough you’ve made my day
Our poop story is a fond memory too, though there was no puking and no suppositories involved. Just mustard-coloured breastfed baby poop shooting across the room onto walls. We had many cloth diapers to hand (we never did get around to putting cloth diapers on him but we would use them to prevent fountains during diaper changes), but it just wouldn’t stop. We’d catch some with the diaper, then remove it thinking surely he was done but nope – more would shoot across the room…
Oh no!!! We’ve moved from pants pissing to poop stories!
EH: It makes my day to make your day.
Cinnamon Gurl: Way to take the ball and run with it! LOL.
Aggie: Coyote started it!
So the suppository produced instant results? That seems a little incredible to me.
Tiana – not instant, but fast – a few minutes.
Oh wow… I totally wasn’t expecting to read a story about my bowel movements but the mental picture I’ve got now is hilarious. And my day has been made as well 😉
Ha! There’s nothing I like better than making your day James, even if I have to dredge up one of your ancient bowel movements to do it. 😉 (It’s a good thing they didn’t have blogs back then though – otherwise this post would have been illustrated.)
I just snorted while laughing, and I never snort!
*snort*
At mention of the puking and laughing, I started laughing uncontrollably.
“And we call our act… THE ARISTOCRATS.”
Hilarious! You had me laughing at puke!!!
Thanks.
I came to your blog from the Canadian Blog Awards page. What a surprise awaited me! This is a hilarious story!
lol omg that so gross!
I came here from Yarn Harlot’s blog…that’s one of the funniest baby stories I have ever heard! I have one about my husband and his niece who was a projectile vomiter but will keep it to myself. Congratulations on you award.
Made it here through yarn harlot too, have resolved to keep the birth control going as I hope to never have that type of experience
Good on you for it being a fond memory. Its really quite a funny baby poop story!
I just found your site while reading Yarn Harlot and you made my day. Funny stuff that brings back memories of long ago. My ribs are hurting from laughing uncontrollably. Thank you!
another guest from the awards page…
Oh, we have a very very similar dynamic here in our family. Dang husbands with their weak stomachs and wives who laugh too hard at the wrong time. AND I still have to clean it all up! I don’t understand. I don’t understand how to hold a baby while all of that is happening.
Admittedly, I just threw away my outfit that night. And the rug. It cut a 24 hour cleaning job down to about 12 hours and that was ok with me. And I put the baby in the tub. With all her clothes on. Sometimes, you just do what ya gotta do. And then blog about it.
Babies give new meaning to the expression sh*t happens don’t they? This has made me laugh out loud in my cubicle-fortunately everyone else has gone to lunch.
My baby, being a lady, had the decency to have her explosive projectile poop at the doctor’s office where she’d been stripped naked for her first check-up. As he stood there in a poop puddle sporting a poop shirt and tie , he swore this had never happened to him before in all his 20+ years of practice.
Hee!!!! I still love this story…and how’s this for new depths…by the 4th kid you find yourself sitting at dinner jiggling a fussy baby in your right arm and eating with your left…suddenly there is an explosive poop and baby is now happy and content…and your hand is suddenly hot and sticky….your food is blessedly still warm and seeing as the baby is happy and the now offensive hand is below the table holding the baby’s bottom, you pretend it didn’t happen until you finish eating THEN go deal with the damage.
Being the oldest of nine I can definitely sympathise. As the youngest is now almost 10 it’s been awhile so thanks for making me laugh so hard I cried.
ROTL! That totally made my day. If I hadn’t been at work, I totally would have snorted out loud. That’s possibly one of the funniest baby stories I’ve heard in a long time!
Very very funny. Thanks for sharing your writing talent and your story.
Oh, I laughed until tears ran down my cheeks!!! What an experience–only a mother could find the humor in that mess!! I’m afraid I would have been the puker and my husband the cleaner-upper. For a mother I have an incredibly weak stomach. Thanks for sharing.
Oh my god, I nearly barfed from laughing.
You made me laugh so hard I cried. Congratulations on your fourth place ward and the humorous grace with which you accepted it.
Call me weird, but I love that you all snorted and cried and peed your pants and almost barfed. I just wish I could’ve been there to see it!
Hilarious!
Thanks for the laugh and congrats on your 4th-place award.
This is the funniest story I’ve read in a long time!
So, Roro’s post lead me here…and I must thank you for the laugh which prompted me to begin coughing uncontrollably and laughing again. It’s all good.