Note: I wrote and posted this a couple of weeks ago and then pulled it almost immediately because of queasy second thoughts about its appropriateness. But after mulling it over in the background for awhile, I’ve decided it’s okay. At least I hope it is.
I have mixed feelings about blogging my thoughts about this out of respect for Ardeth Wood’s grieving family. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure I can’t be the only one who’s mystified by some of the things they said in their victim impact statements, and being mystified doesn’t necessarily have to be disrespectful.
I was relieved for her family when the killer confessed and spared them the trauma of a trial. They’ve been through enough already. And while they will likely always be in pain, and permanently altered by what happened, at least now they won’t have to spend months constantly reliving the horror.
I read the victim impact statements of her mother, father and uncle the other day. It made me realize how dramatically different our perspectives on things can be. I find it curious that we can all inhabit the same city, walk the same streets, breathe the same air, and yet see things in such profoundly different ways.
Ardeth’s mother stated, in her victim impact statement: “I now touch on the most important fact of her life, her virginity. I fully realize that this will seem an anachronism and a folly. To us however its importance is perennial.”
From her uncle’s victim impact statement: “Ardeth’s resistance to sexual violation to the point of death gives witness to the fact that one’s own moral integrity is something far more valuable than surrender to a few moments of pleasure in violation of the law of God. We are well aware that there are many who would say just give in a get it over with. There is no way that Ardeth would have seen this as a legitimate alternative, and therefore she chose the high road of sacrifice to the point of death, was it martyrdom? rather than offend God.”
They seem to believe Ardeth died in defence of her virginity, and they seem to be saying her virginity actually was worth more than her life. I had always assumed that the killer’s intention was to rape and murder her, and nothing she could have done would have changed that outcome. Obviously her family would know more about this than me. But I don’t understand why they would take such comfort from believing she died protecting her virginity.
Her uncle, a Catholic priest, goes even further, expressing hope that Ardeth will be sainted for it.
“This leads me to express the hope that one day the Church might initiate the process for her eventual beatification and canonization as a saint. Canada and the world at large have need of such a heroic example of chastity and virginity of life for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. ”
I’m not Catholic. I don’t have a daughter. My son’s not a virgin. Most importantly, I’ve never lost a child. But I have tried hard to put myself in their shoes and understand this emphasis on the sacredness of virginity, and I have failed.
I wonder if they valued her virginity as highly while she was alive, or did its value increase in their estimation because they believe she believed it was worth dying for? If she had died under different circumstances – a car accident for example – would her virginity be as important to them now? Does placing such a high value on her virginity somehow make her death less pointless in their eyes? In order to cope with her murder, did they have to make it about something, and then put that something up on a pedestal so that her death wouldn’t have been for nothing?
I hope it’s something along those lines, because the alternative – that they really do believe her virginity was more valuable than her life – might possibly be the saddest thing about this whole tragedy.
I also don’t understand the value they appear to place on her virginity specifically; I can imagine that, if it was something that they knew she valued highly, they were honouring the fact that she apparently defended to the death her valued principle.
Sometimes you need a perspecitve of how other people think. You may not understand it, or believe it, but it it good to know it is there. I do not understand their values either, but I will respect them.
It is unfortunate that their daughter had to die a horrific death, and I am sure it has left them with grief that is impossible to understand.
people focus on the strangest things when they are grieving. I don’t see virginity as being the big issue it is for this family, but whatever gets them through…
on another note I’ve just read something on another blog about a woman sueing a hospital for throwing her stillborn baby out with the laundry. the baby’s body was missing for several hours, and when found had been crushed and disfigured.
the blog I read the story on was appalled at this frivolous lawsuit. us aussies often say americans will sue over anything but can you imagine the pain of circumstances such as this?
Zoom, thanks for writing this. I was disturbed by the virginity narrative, too, but could never articulate it as well has you just did. Yeah, it’s a different schema that I don’t really get at all. On one hand, I want to support the “whatever works for you” idea; however, sometimes the “whatever works” can be based on some pretty oppressive, sexist assumptions, no? (And, yes, with all due respect, and all that, and never having lived the horrors this family has…)
I think it is entirely possible that what they are tryng to articulate is … that Ardeth still triumphed over her killer. He wanted to take her life AND humiliate her. He wanted to not only snuff out her life, but steal her dignity and she fought against that. It just happens that Ardeth valued her virginity, her chastity. So it is being framed in those terms because they are trying to honour their daughter’s values.
If my daughter or one of my sons was murdered and there was evidence that their murderer hadn’t gotten all they came for (whatever that might be) because my child fought back. It would give me comfort that my child had in however small a way, won.
These are interesting and thoughtful comments. I’m still mulling them over. Aggie, thank you – I felt much better about posting it after I read your comment.
Nursemyra, that’s shocking. I can’t imagine anybody trivializing that case as a “frivolous lawuit.”
Wondering Aloud, good point – I do find it more comprehensible if I subsitute “a valued principle” for “virginity.”
Dirtwitch, I understand what you’re saying, and I think Wondering Aloud is saying much the same thing. But Ardeth’s family seems to believe she was murdered BECAUSE she wouldn’t surrender her virginity. In other words, the rape was planned but the killing was not, and she might still be alive today had she submitted. Would you still feel the same way (that your child had, in some small way, won) under those circumstances?
Another thoughtful post, Zoom.
My own religious background is Catholic, although my immediate family and I have long since parted company with the church over differences with its official position on contraception, abortion, sexuality, homosexuality, the role of women, divorce — well, you name it, really.
One of my mother’s childhood books on the lives of the saints had an account of a young woman who was canonized, or made a saint, for ‘resisting a fate worse than death’ (as the book darkly put it) and getting fatally wounded during, or because of, it.
I cannot imagine the depth of Ardeth Wood’s family’s anguish. The pain in their victim impact statements made me weep. And it’s clear that Ardeth Wood was an extraordinary, talented, beloved, and beautiful (in every sense) young woman.
However, it does trouble me deeply to think that the notion that sexual chastity is worth more than a woman’s life is still abroad within parts of the church. (I really can’t imagine the same kind of comments being made about a male victim of sexual violence or murder, can you?)
And what do these comments about resisting rape say to or about women who have been unable or too frightened to resist rape, or who have tried to bargain for their lives by giving in to their attacker? Are they damaged goods?
No, when I read about the case I pictured her knowing she was going to die. I thought of every street proofing class I’ve taken and the main directive being “FIGHT BACK”, not to get “evidence undr your nails”, but because if you willingly go along with an attacker – either physically go some place, or submit to their demands – you are just as likely to be killed, and actually MORE likely to be killed. If you fight back you have at least a CHANCE of escaping.
I took SEVERAL classes like this including one where we had to actually fight with an assailant who was wearing padded protective gear, because I am very much afraid that I will freeze in any situation where I might need this ability. I still think I’ll freeze though, still think I’ll be too frightened to resist. My fear isn’t rape, but dying, and I don’t think I have it “in me” to fight back the way I might need to, and I’m in awe of people who do.
I don’t know…I did a nation wide survey (as an interviewer) a few years ago on sexuality in Canada. I hated asking the question “How old were you when you lost your virginity?” and meeting the silence and then the hushed or cracking with emotion voice asking if I meant physically, or when they chose to. We were instructed to take whatever answer they wanted to give us and based on the limited sample I personally interviewed (somewhere between 100 and 150 I’d say), we live in a society where we see our virginity as something we have choices with, it isn’t a physical thing, its a spiritual thing, and rapists don’t get to take it, we give it away. Those hushed voices on the other end of the phone weren’t especially empowered, but they felt that there was a big difference between their rapes and losing their virginity.
Awesome, thoughtful, post and comments. One can’t really understand what is in the family’s hearts and minds, nor in Ardeth’s or even in her attacker’s, but it is good to consider the value of a person’s life, regardless.
I think that you missed the point entirely. The parents are holding onto the only thing they have left, their daughter’s memory and moral grounding – which is also something that they gave to her. Her chastity was important to them, it showed them that she had strong faith, self-respect and dignity and it showed them that she listened to them and took values from them.
What probably hurts them most is how she was treated before her death, that she was totally disrespected. Comparing that kind of death to a bus accident or whatever is very unkind. Its just not the same thing at all. If she were married with children and had the same fate I suspect that it would still be her treatment before death that haunted them most.
I am not a Catholic but I do believe that the world would not be in the state it is in today if people were not so quick to undervalue morals and principals. Parenting skills are nil in many places around the earth and children are growing up without self-respect and dignity. In Britain we have woman falling over in the street drunk, vomitting in the gutter and going home with any bloke they fancy. What does the future hold for them? What will their children be like?
Her virginity was important because it was part of her. They lost the rest of her. It is important to them that she was protecting herself from not being her anymore. Do not underestimate the effects of rape, whether victims survive it or not.