No ordinary death

I hope I die in an interesting way. Ideally, my death would involve an ironic twist of fate, something that would make my friends chuckle in spite of their grief. Some of these deaths* contain some of the elements I would hope for in a death. Others, however, are just overkill.

1. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

 

2. Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his 8-year-old daughter, whom he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn’t have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn’t realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method, one month later.

 

3. Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live-firing fake-town simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

 

4. Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena’s eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, and extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor’s surgery or hospital for a check up.

 

5. Michael Lewis, angry with his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard with a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double-sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! On one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

 

6. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents’ passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house and him in the process.

 

*Sadly, these deaths didn’t actually happen. Fiction really is stranger than truth.